Well, it's not that I didn't hear my alarm going off, or my car broke down, but a friend of mine got married and I couldn't get any time off to go.

Normally I'd jump through hoops to get to a wedding - I'm a weddingophile!! I love the preparations, the outfit, the hairdo, the hotel, the transport, the gift...I realize that the cost of all this is sometimes outrageous, and sometimes the wedding itself can just lapse into that ‘same ole, same ole' format, but I'm addicted!

Ok, I'm not quite up to the obsession level of '27 Dresses', but have to admit that the wedding scenes from SATC The Movie (now on DVD, should that be SATCDVD?!) were my favourites (well, probably a close tie with the outdoor shower scene with Samantha's neighbour..). Speaking of DVDs, I've even discovered that I've got a section of my own movie collection that could easily just be labeled "Weddings" (I won't bore you with the titles - you know which ones I'm talking about!).

Anyway, missing this one was even more painful because this wedding was in the Top Category (doesn't everyone have Wedding Categories?!?), because A. It was ‘Abroad', and B. The couple were ‘International'.

Other details which can move your wedding to a higher category will be things like ‘different religions', ‘historical location', ‘interesting profession, therefore interesting workmates will be invited too', ‘same sex couple' - in fact, I've just gotten my first invite to a gay wedding and I'm kicking myself because it coincides with another event and I'll miss it.

Of course, from time to time you get an invite to a wedding which you know will be a bit trashy - mother of the bride turning up drunk, groom's granddad picking fights, The Dress is a copy of one worn by Belle in ‘Beauty and the Beast'...that kinda thing. Needless to say the entertainment value is priceless, so these weddings are also not to be missed!!!

My international wedding last week was in Holland, in a lovely little city called Leiden, to the south of Amsterdam. A South African girlfriend of mine was marrying her Dutch boyfriend, and I SO wanted to be there! We used to have so much fun when I lived in Holland and worked together (I should probably mention '24-hour bars' and not go into further details, for legal reasons! How long does an arrest-warrant last if they don't catch you?!?). Maybe she's gone all sensible now and the wedding would have been a serious affair...but I doubt it!

A couple of years back I got to go to a wedding in Argentina, when El Gordo's brother got married. It was in a town called Mercedes (like the character from Hollyoaks - how cool is that!), in the grasslands to the west of Buenos Aires. Big cow country, so the steaks were the biggest and best I have ever eaten, and the Argentine wine was yummy! And that was just the breakfast!

There were actually 2 ceremonies, therefore 2 outfits to be bought and 2 opportunities to get drunk and embarrass El Gordo!

The first was the Civil ceremony, held in a registry office which seemed very familiar - maybe I'd seen it in a previous existence, but more probably looked like a scene from some arty film. It hadn't changed in 50 years and was so tiny that we filled every inch of it, and being the only non-Latino I got more attention than the bride...ooops!!

I may as well have been dressed as Pamela Anderson for all the staring (and I mean I could have turned up in a red one-piece swimsuit!). It was a bit embarrassing at first, but the ceremony didn't last long, and then it was off to reception No.1 and lots of lovely wine to help me get over my shyness. Before long I was babbling away with some distant relative with a need to practice his English and a roving eye, before moving on to become firm friends with a boozy aunt of the groom, a lovely woman who was shaped like a barrel, with a great loud laugh. It was an afternoon reception, and just a preliminary to the biggie the following day (the church wedding), so before it got to the ‘dancing on the tables' stage I was being whisked off back to the hotel.

Many church weddings in Argentina are night-time affairs, so the outfits are that bit more glamourous and red-carpet, evening dresses with elaborate shawls and big, piled-up hairdos. Our hotel was within walking/wobbling distance of the church, which I think was officially a cathedral, and was certainly imposing enough to warrant the title. Needless to say, I'd had words with El Gordo over something or nothing - he had the nerve to try to hurry me up, for heaven's sake! I looked perfectly elegant, but my response was a little less ladylike and I told him where to go, i.e. to the church on his own. Which he did.

Hadn't really expected that one, but his mother had been waiting in the lobby and the eternal battle between a Latin Mama and her son's other-half is one that George Lucas should really have focused on in Star Wars. I knew I'd have my victory at a later stage so I let him go, and when I was good 'n' ready I stomped off to arrive alone at the cathedral.

I had to do a double take when I arrived at the door and saw the very long aisle stretching out before me, but I steadied myself on my Manolos and walked towards the altar. I tried to keep my eyes focused and keep moving ahead but I was aware of EVERY head turning to watch me, row by row as I passed them. Muttering "Gawd, get over it already!" to myself, I eased onto a pew, not next to El Gordo to ensure he knew he was in the doghouse.

There was a thin, elegant, older lady sitting on the same row. I could see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye so I turned and gave her a smile. She then leaned over to tell me that, in Argentina, nobody walks down the aisle before the bride does, and it's considered bad luck. Poo - not only had I upstaged her at the registry office, but now I'd doomed her marriage! Just when I was beginning to think I'd be arch-enemy Numero Uno at the reception, I was knocked sideways on my pew as Boozy Aunt Ana Maria plopped down beside me, with a giant hug and a loud "Holaaaaaaa!!!". She looked a bit comical with a huge silk flower on her lapel and an outfit that looked like a small, chiffon tent in soft shades of lilac, and when I explained that I'd cursed the marriage by working the runway (I mean ‘aisle') she gave a chuckle and told me not to worry. That made me feel much better and in no time we were at the reception, El Gordo forgiven, and the endless flow of gorgeous food and drink had started!

Aunt Ana Maria, my new BFF, had insisted on sitting next to me, so she nipped in and switched the place names at our table. She was laughing so much during the meal that I thought I'd have to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her to dislodge some food that had gone down the wrong way! The feasting lasted hours, course after course, with a little break before the desserts (yes, plural!) were presented. Yumorama!!

Traditionally the dancing started, not with tango or folkloric music as I had expected, but with old-style waltzes. All the ‘oldies' were swirling round the dance floor with nostalgic smiles on their faces and stiff backs! After a while it got a bit livelier, and then suddenly it changed to crazy Brazilian samba and Argentine cumbia. Party packs were produced, everyone had mad headpieces, masks and whistles and next thing the bride and groom were being carried shoulder-high around the room. Serious health and safety issues - good thing I was too drunk to notice!

The hours passed, dawn was approaching, and suddenly a huge barbecued slab of beef was produced, which was carved into individual steaks and eaten between bread rolls - fab! Just what you need after hours at a free bar!

It wasn't enough to soak up all the alcohol, though, and I do have recollections of interrupting El Gordo's sister dancing a slow dance with some guy, discovering that he was, erm, excited by his dance or partner, and me squealing and pointing at the tent in his trousers!! I was little short of going in search of a cold spoon to slap it! How embarrassing - for him at the time, and for me thinking back on it!!

Just as well things had started to wind down, and the die-hard partyers fell onto the early morning streets, squinting in the sunlight, singing a few bars and throwing shapes. Thank goodness I don't get invited to weddings like that every week - I don't think I'd be able to cope!